Free Stuff Haiku

I make strangers compete for things I am giving away for free.

Free Rug Haikus

This is a story about my rug.


Today I posted a boring old gray Ikea rug on the free section of Vancouver Craigslist at around 1:30am.


By the time I woke up for work a few hours later, much to my surprise, I’d already received 36 emails about it. When I arrived at work at 9:00, the number was above 50. All in all, I got nearly 70 emails from would-be rug recipients. 

I am not one to be trusted with such power, so rather than give the rug away to the speediest responder or pick someone random off of the list, I made them compete for my amusement. The premise was simple: write a haiku about my rug. Best one gets it. 

And so, without further ado, here are the Free Rug Haikus.

P could have had the first entry of the day, but he doesn’t have time for my bullshit. Come on — couldn’t you have massaged that into 17 syllables, man?

You know what keep the rug thanks. Not into playing games to get a used rug…. Good luck and thanks anyway…..

On to the real haikus! Many aspiring poets kept it simple. J sounds a little desperate:

Your carpet is nice
I want it so bad for me
Please give it to me

Another J suggested that I sabotage my own competition:

that is a nice rug
it’s so meant for me
delete the others and send to me

T decides to break from the “me/me” rhyming convention:

A rug, what a rug
So much demand for this rug
To me it must come

J doesn’t understand what’s going on:

who knew a novel idea
for me to get a new rug
I thought it was free

J appreciated my unique requirements and went on a multi-stanza haiku rampage!

This is something new
A haiku to win a prize
Will give it a try

Love compositions
For an outstanding freebie
Great rug to envy

Excellent pattern
With the playstation icons
In stunning grey green

Instead of landfill
This rug will get recycled
To save our planet

G doesn’t appreciate my methods:

A competition?
it’s just a free fucking rug
i would still like it.

E drops some Swedish philosophy:

From Sweden I came
IKEA is my maker
You are my keeper

He bought me unused
No use did he have for me
Used I now am - Free

Someone is neglecting their hobbies:

Rug stored for a year
Reminds me of hockey gear
Can’t wait ‘til you’re here

M is totally with this season’s fashions:

This rug fits our style,
Geometric shapes are ‘in’
Please let this be mine!

D knows that ‘chinaman’ is not the preferred nomenclature: 

Hardwood floor cold, bare
Slipping sliding with socks on
Rug ties place together

P heard ‘haiku’ and got all racist for some reason:

well i rike your lug
thanka call shitty sushi
take-a orda pleeez

C’s looking for warmth this December:

Five kids play on rug
Rug keeps small feet from the cold
Five kids like the rug

And so is L:

Lonely floor needs warmth
Desires friend for company
Play laugh bond the two

… and so is C!

away now I go
tiny feet warmth upon me
my purpose is served

J’s tenants have their fingers crossed:

Squeaky hardwood floors
Teenage son, that says it all
Downstairs neighbour

J just wants to show the rug some love:

Lovely new owner
Give me a new home to be
Rather than rolled up

Huge thanks to all of these contestants, whose haikus had me laughing and smiling all day. However, there can only be one winner, and the rug goes to B, whose gentle phrasing earns the bounty:

draped upon the floor
confident yet walked all over
new home for Christmas


I had so much fun with this that I expect there will be more free stuff haiku competitions to come. Stay tuned.


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